Forget 2011 Predictions, Here's Your Gaming Horoscope

Forget predictions for the coming year, we need a gaming horoscope to sort out 2011.

NOTE: Predictions may not come true; the author takes no responsibility for disappointments. Success however is totally due to this blog and any related earnings should be offered up otherwise the Gods will be pissed.

Aries – 20th March – 20th April
The Ram:

Known for their neurotic and obsessive ways, The Ram will continue to play through 2009 titles trying to get every achievement/trophy for games from that year. When resting The Ram will search out bubble wrapped copies of Sega CD games for their collection and memorise the phonebook Rainman-style.

Taurus – 21st April – 19th May
The Bull:

The Bull is an independent and stubborn beast. In 2011, the Bull will continue to swear that Call of Duty is the only game worth playing. Ever. Period. Red Flags for the bull in 2011 will include casual gaming, liquids that aren’t beer and the colour pink.

Gemini –21st May – 21st June
The Twins:

The Twins will resume their dedication to co-op gaming and old Double Dragon titles. Known for their versatility, Gemini’s are like most game reviewers in that they never bother to actually play through a game.

Cancer –21st June – 23rd July
The Crab:
The Crab will continue to be the butt of many STD-related jokes in 2011. None more funny than: “Yo Mamma is so nasty she puts food in her panties to feed the crabs”.

Leo – 23rd July – 23rd August
The Lion:

A proud and well groomed creature, the Lion rejoiced in the recent release of Kinect. Now they can play kinectimals and virtually touch themselves. NOTE: Microsoft official distances themselves from this practice and would like it known that their hardware, or peripherals, are not designed for any sorts of risqué pleasures.

Virgo – 23rd August – 23rd September
The Virgin:

Like a trophy whore to King Kong: The Videogame, male variants of The Virgin will continue to follow attractive female gamers on MyIgn in their masses. Unfortunately for these Virgos, the profile pictures have simply been lifted from Google Images and they are actually chatting to an obese, sweaty middle aged man who splits his time between MyIgn and wearing a brown paper bag on his head in Chatroulette.

Libra – 23rd September – 23rd October
The Scales:

Being concerned with justice, Libras will continue to write largely undiscovered blogs about the great games that fail to win an audience. When not spruiking Alan Wake, Darksiders or Vanquish, they’ll whinge amongst themselves about how unjust it is that no-one is reading their blog.

Scorpio – 23rd October – 22nd November
The Scorpion:

Confused by 2011 Mortal Kombat’s confounding plot (are we friends with Sub Zero or do we want to kill him?), The Scorpion will return to the original Genesis version of the game where they have spent the most part of the decade. Now fat and lazy from using the ‘Get Over Here’ ability to grab common items while not moving from the couch, The Scorpion is a still a party favourite for his ability to take his face off and shoot fire from his exo-skeleton head.

Sagittarius – 22nd November – 22nd December
The Archer/Centaur:

As a half-human/half-horse, The Sagittarius will continue to spend a lot of lonely hours single-player gaming and will generally struggle to get into anyone’s pants. When the dysfunctional and sexually confused beast does try interaction with other it is usually in the form of creating a fake MyIGN account and pretending to be a hot gamer girl (see Virgo).

Capricorn – 22nd December – 20 January
The Seagoat:

Pissed off at being a cross between a goat and a fish but naturally introverted, Capricorns will stew in a sea of self-loathing and regret for most of 2011. The one bright spot will be the release of Fable 3.5, in which the main character’s dog dies and he is accompanied by a Seagoat. This newfound legitimacy will usher the Seagoat out into the public limelight, before a paparazzi-related report of relations with The Crab will tart the name of Capricorns everywhere.

Aquarius – 20 January – 19 February
The Water Carrier:

The perfect co-op companion, the Water Carrier is the kind of guy who’ll do all the grunt work. All he wants to do is give you his stimpak when you are hurt. While this simple, some would say naive, perspective will make for many great times in 2011, the absence of Adam Sandler’s The Waterboy II will be the cause of some heartbreak.

Pisces – 19 February – 20 March
The Fish:

Known for being extremely restless and slippery, The Fish will continue to try and win the approval of others by Following as many people as possible. But with a ratio of following-to-followers of 1000:1, The Fish will slide deep into a well of depression. Luckily for The Fish they have such a poor attention span that they forget what they were feeling bad about. They go back to Following.